So Emotional?!?

I don't know if this is the right place and also I don't know if it's allowed here to post and to write and to express my feelings and emotions etc.

I'm so emotional this day and my mood is mixed. I don't know hehehe, I don't know the right term or "ewan" hehehehe. Sorry for my word.

Anyways, this post of mine today is so personal and so privately because no one knows my feelings except me. And this blog diary of mine is the only way to express my feelings and to say all I want.

I know once I write and say here all and everything I'm not the only one who can read it. It's worldwide and everyone can read it but I need to express it. I create this blogsite not just because I want "lang". I create this because this is my diary and my friend.

So please don't judge me and please don't bash me guys or just ignore this post of mine today. Anyways, everyone know that I'm a married person and my marriage life is not perfect and not ok (kung baga tugain Ang buhay May asawa ko).

My husband is not perfect and not a kind of man that everyone girls like and dreamed of? And he is a kind of man that every kind of "bisyo ay nasa sa kanya na". Alcohol drinker, cigarettes taker, gumbler or "sugarol" and the worst of all is he is a "chick boy" in short "babaero".

We have four (4) kids now. 10 years old, 5 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old baby. I know or we all know or everyone know that being chick boy or "babaero" is natural to all boys, single or married person. And I admit that my husband is one of them.

I always stay him because he is the father of my kids and I love my kids so much. And as a mother I don't want my kids like other family's that broken family. I know that become broken family is not easy and it's the biggest tragic to them. I don't want to hurt them.

My kids is my strength and my life. My kids is the reasons of mine why I still alive and why I want to live and trying to accept everything but it's so hurt and also trying to work and trying to back to normal although it's not.

I always trying my best to be ok and fine everyday although it's not for my kids. But this year is special and so "kakaiba" and "nakakapanibago" because after what I found and I "natuklasan" and after I confront it about what I heard and I found between him and to the person I know, he confess everything and all about them and he asked my forgiveness and he say that "magbabago" but I don't know.

I don't what I feel now and what do to know I hurt so much and because of all the pain he gave to me I become stone and no "pakialam na sa kanya". Na sumasang ayon Na Lang palagi at sumasabay Na Lang sa agos ng relasyon naming mag asawa. I don't expect everything and anything from him.

Because of my heart is broken and I feel much pain from him now it's so hurt to me to move on and to forget everything and also forgive him. I always have doubt I don't know if he is sincere and all his words is true. Or baka pinapa ikot Lang niya ako at pinapasakay.

Minsan na ako nasaktan at naging tanga ayaw ko nang maulit pang muli. Unti unti na nakaka ahon mula sa pagkalugmok at sa mga sakit. Ayaw ko na ulit maulit yun dahil baka sa susunod Hindi ko na Alam Ang gagawin ko baka tuluyan na akong bumigay at mabaliw. Yun Ang bagay na ayaw kong mangyari kawawa naman Ang mga bata, Ang mga anak ko pag nawala ako.

Oh God please help me give me a sign. I really need an answer and help. Oh please guide me.